Caution: The following is raw, and authentic- with no motive except to share a “slice of my life/role”.
There are many interesting things about being a pastor. And let me start by saying, I am humbled by my call into full time service. I am confident God has led, directed and shaped me for this time and this role, but I am no less dependent on Him, in fact I would say I have never been praying more and have never been crying out for God’s leading, directing, confidence and peace as much as I do regularly now. And with that as the backdrop, I offer my first installment of life as a pastor.
I think one of the most interesting things are the responses after church services. Since we believe that the whole service is the message (not just the sermon), people respond to different aspects of the “message”. Sometimes it’s the musical aspect of the message, sometimes it’s the video element, sometimes the preaching element and sometimes one of the many other forms of communication we use (room set up, readings, worship stations, faith stories, etc). One thing that is a regular occurrence is mixed reactions. I can have one person come up (or write me afterwards) explaining how that service radically changed their lives, gave them hope, inspired them, lead them to confession of sin, dependence on Jesus or helped them begin a relationship with Jesus etc. On the very same Sunday that that first person said those things, another person will communicate just as strong a negative response (to the same message and/or element). At first I didn’t know what to do with this. How could one person be so positive and have met Jesus in a very real and personal way and another person say that we were practically sinning and distracting true believers from true faith?
I still don’t know what to do with this except to be reminded that as much as I want so strongly to shepherd, love and lead people that what we do can’t be solely determined by people and their desires. I need to carefully evaluate all we do through the lens of Scripture and need to pray hard and seek God’s face for all that we do and rest confidently in His leading. I’ll be the first to say, I’ve misjudged things, underestimated some things, overestimated others and plainly made mistakes at times. I’ve continued to lean in to Jesus, to His grace and try hard to trust that He will accomplish His will and way even if I misjudge on a certain song or video clip. I’ve tried to not let the times we were “off” deter us from continuing to proclaiming His Word with as much creativity as He provides us to use.
The one thing that I guess I could say I struggle with in this process is people leaving or protesting by withholding their giving. I don’t know what to do with this. Again, as a pastor you try hard to keep a spiritual perspective on things. You try to remind yourself this is God’s church. But I’ll be honest, it’s tough. When you see the reality that pastors could lose jobs because the finances aren’t there or ministry efforts will be cancelled, or missionaries could lose support — this is the reality of the ministry life and it’s downright hard sometimes and breaks my heart. There is the temptation to just stop being creative, to stop trying to help people see and hear from Jesus. To just keep everyone happy, do what people say they want and not push anything. This however, can further complicate things because as I said earlier, what one person wants the other person doesn’t connect with…so who gets to choose? I’ve also found the same person saying two different (almost contradictory) things within a 2 month time span – so sometimes it’s not even two different people, but one person at two different time periods.
Well, I don’t think we’ll settle this in one blog entry. I’d be surprised if anyone is still reading at this point. Please know, I don’t share this to complain or condemn, but merely to give insight into the complexity of ministry life. At the end of the day though, I’ve settled within myself to be in the Word, to continue to pursue being a man of the Word and to be on my knees continually crying out for God to lead and for me to follow. I refuse to settle for going through motions or preaching what people want to hear. I’m called to lead and the best way to lead is to follow, not the whims of people, but the voice of the Great Shepherd, Jesus.
More “inside the life of a pastor” to come in future blogs (that is if it’s even beneficial to anyone?) I do think, however, it is good for me to share authentically and wrestle together. Our God is faithful and He will complete what He begins. To Jesus be the Glory, may He be exalted in it all.
